Primrose Road

On May 17th, I received a postcard from something called "The National Scholars Honor Society" inviting me to apply for membership via http://www.magnacumlaude.org. Listen closely and you'll hear the scam sirens:



The fact that they give out a handful of $5000 scholarships is what probably keeps them on the right side of legal, but technical legality doesn't mean it's not a scam (i.e. Poetry.com, PublishAmerica, and blogosphere favorite DirectBuy). Naturally, I decided to apply for membership, since I was "cordially invited," after all.

The online application requested my address and phone number, the name of my college/university (shouldn't they already know that?), my "current scholastic level" (fascinating how the application is identical for undergrads and grad students), and an optional section for "personal information," including "awards, honors, memberships, personal attributes, accomplishments, experiences." It said that the section was optional but would be used for "initial evaluation," so of course, I left it blank.

This morning, I received a -- what do you know? -- letter of acceptance from the National Honor Society! (Incidentally, or perhaps not, I also received a notice that I am being "considered for inclusion" in the Cambridge Who's Who Among Executive and Professional Women.) The National Honor Society writes:

It is my honor and privilege to extend congratulations on your acceptance into The National Scholars Honor Society. Our membership of over 90,000 university scholars and students welcomes you.

Hmm, this doesn't sound like an uberselect group, does it?

And naturally, the next step is for me to "complete my membership" with a Visa, Mastercard, or Discover; their "lifetime membership fee" is $85.00.

College students and their parents should be aware that "The National Scholars Honor Society" most likely operates along the same lines as publishing scams: every student is accepted, and every student must pay a membership fee. (Yes, most legitimate honor societies do charge a yearly fee, but they don't send unsolicited application requests and have a much more rigorous application process than an online form that asks for your name, address, email, and the name of your school.) I'd warn students and parents to avoid any unsolicited invitations to join honors societies or be listed in a directory, and of course, to be wary of "scholarship search services" that charge exorbitant fees merely to do what you could do with Google and a printer.

Students today and their view of how grading works amaze me. I turned in grades two weeks ago and so far have received five emails from students with grades ranging from A- to B, asking me if there was anything they could do at this point (after the end of the semester) to raise their grade half a letter so that they wouldn't lose scholarship money. First of all, if they are at risk of losing scholarship money and got an A-, B+, or B in my class, it likely means that *my* class isn't what's causing the major problem with their GPA, which suggests to me that they assume that 5-foot-2 in-her-late-twenties not-yet-Dr. L. is more likely to say, "aww, I'll raise your grade so you can get your scholarship money" than is, say, the 60-year-old math prof who gave them a C. Which makes me laugh a bit, because, really, grades are earned based on work done during the term.

I also like it when students assume I'm the *nicest teacher ever* when they earn an A or A-, even though they actually earned the grade because I give challenging assignments that force my students to work hard.

There needs to be an essay collection entitled " 'You Are So Nice, Can I Please Have an A?' : On Being Young, Short, and Female in the University System."

Bear with me while I set up an allusion: Way back in the day (like, seven years ago), Chris Isaak starred in a Showtime comedy as (sort of) himself. In one episode, a stalker keeps leaving gifts, including a loaf of banana bread, on his doorstep. Chris later sees one of his bandmates eating the bread, and says something like, "Are you eating the stalker bread? You can't eat the stalker bread!"

Late last week, in what I'm going to assume was a cultural misunderstanding, a student gave me a gift-wrapped bottle of wine along with his final portfolio. I told him I couldn't accept it, but he insisted, so I went to give the wine to the department administrative assistants, who said that since I obviously understood the ethical wackiness of the situation and wouldn't let the wine affect the student's grade, I should take it home with me.

So now I wonder: is drinking student-bribe-wine the equivalent of eating stalker bread?

Tayere studentlekh,

Remember how in elementary school, you learned that you're supposed to make eye contact with the driver if you're walking in front of or behind a car? Make eye contact with the driver if you're walking in front of or behind a car. Or at least look at, not away from, the car; the car sounds you hear a foot away should be a clear indication that there is indeed a car somewhere near you.

If we accidentally hit you, guilt dictates that we have to give you As in all your classes, and that would really screw up our grade distrubution, ultimately leading to questions from the accreditation board. And if we're de-accredited because of inflated grades, then your degree won't mean anything.

(The second paragraph may be fictional, but it's fiction engaged for a useful purpose, which makes it okay.)

Earlier this week, a student excitedly told me that his friend knew of "a place where you could get your book published for free." PublishAmerica seems to prey on teenagers and young adults because, as people who likely don't know how the publishing business works, they're easy targets. They (and often their parents) don't understand how it can still be a scam if they put no money down and are listed on Amazon. I don't fault the victims here, though I advise everyone to research the publishing industry before signing a contract.

A handful of examples of unsalable (except to family and friends) books by teenagers that PA has published in recent years:

- 3/12/08: a 257-page sci-fi novel written by a high school senior; retails for $21.95.

- 3/1/08: a 405-page fantasy novel by a sixteen-year-old author. According to the article, "Unlike many writers, Gamble believes in rewriting. She spent about eight months on "Regenero.""

- 6/3/07: Sci-fi novel by a fifteen-year-old author. The book, described in the young man's local newspaper as a "novel," is 56 pages long.

- 7/13/06: 18-year old author, 195-page novel, back cover copy begins, "Kaneka Veratu thought her life was normal. She thought she knew her family. She thought she knew the truth. She was wrong."

- 4/5/06: a 150-page novel by a high school senior. The book retails for $19.95, and the back cover copy begins "Everything changes; life revolves around change. It's not like one day you wake up and you're married with a kid. I mean, there has to be something major in between. I guess that's what it was-something that passed the time. Adolescence-that's the time in between."

- 10/20/05: Sixteen year-old author of a 59-page murder mystery for preteens holds a book signing at (I know you may not be able to access the full articles from where you are, but I promise I'm not making this up) Chick-Fil-A.

- 5/30/05: Seventeen-year-old high school senior publishes 160-page novel. According to the article, "Brianna’s father only stepped in to help negotiate the contract with PublishAmerica. In her deal, Brianna is guaranteed a percentage of her book sales. That percentage increases if a certain number are sold." So ... what's 'negotiable' there? Were they initially not going to offer her royalties?

- 11/2/03: Fourteen-year-old writes a book about "a teenage elf who saves the world." PA published his second book in late 2005.

And a brief, slightly related aside: squib, via PixieStix, reports on what could be the most unintentionally hilarious yet uncannily socially insightful vanity-press published children's book ever.